I mean, I do, but I don't know what words to use to explain what I want to say.
I guess I'm sorry for the flip-out.
Never said I was perfect, y'know.
Far from it, to be fair.
But I suppose it was pretty ridiculous, looking back on what I wrote.
Though I don't remember that last post with all the no's. o_O
Anyway, this weekend is going to be crazy, so I won't be able to post until probably Sunday night, maybe Monday. Tomorrow we're going to Gizmo's to celebrate his daughter's birthday with them, and Danny's. James won't be there until Saturday night, and we'll be out of there Saturday afternoon.
I don't want to risk running into Anna. It's not my idea of a good time to sit in jail until Monday. Because I will gouge that whorec-nt's eyes out with my fingernails.
And maybe some rusty utensils.
And a few dull chainsaws.
And my spike-toed boots. After I've sharpened them.
I hate that bitch.
So I don't know what James is thinking for Danny's birthday, if he's even thought about it or what. I unblocked him from FB so he could message me, because Gizmo's sick of trying to play Mr. Mailman between us. I ended up having to send HIM a message because he tried to Friend me, and I don't want to be his Friend.
He was too big of a dick for me to want to be his Friend.
Maybe when Anna makes her inevitable departure, and he's stopped his obsession over a love that doesn't exist, I'll consider it.
That'll be a long time, though.
Either way, I don't know what he's planning. It's his only child's first birthday, and he hasn't bothered to try and plan anything for him.
I find this pathetic.
That boy doesn't deserve a son as amazing as Danny.
Danny deserves a man who can take care of him.
Le sigh.
Thinking about it's only going to piss me off, and I'm already in a bad mood.
Danny woke up at half past 5 this morning, because something set DJ off. Dunno what, but JESUS CHRIST SHE WOULD NOT STOP GROWLING AND BARKING AND YAPPING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS. Which scared him, so he woke up screeching, which woke my aunt up, so she took care of him and changed him and everything. I woke up about an hour later, when she'd tried getting him to fall back asleep, since he had barely gotten enough shut eye, but he wasn't having it. Screeched and screamed and squealed with all his might. So I got up. We've already showered, had breakfast, and got a load of laundry through the washer. Then the toilet clogged, so I tried to plunge it, but my uncle's a fucking retard and has this goofy plunger thingy that's like, a pump thing? I don't even know how to describe this shit, yo. All I know is, the fucking piece of shit plunger gave me a blood blister on the skin between my thumb and pointer finger on my left hand.
Mind you, I'm mostly right-handed, but you use your left hand a lot more than you realize.
AND I CAN DEFINITELY REMEMBER NOW.
Fuckitty fuck, this shit hurts! >_<
So, my plan for the day: keep going with laundry, go to our playdate tonight (we've switched from the Tuesday class to the Thursday one because of Danny's nap schedule shifting), write another Fear post while Danny's napping.
Since none of you are any help, I'll just write a post on The Quiet.
Speaking of Fear stuff!
I started reading In The Shuffling Madness because I finished all the other ones I'd been meaning to read. Seeking Truth, the follow-up blog The Mystic, White Elephants which is only an archived version, because the original blog was wiped quite a few times (to be honest, I didn't really like this one as much as I thought I would), and now I'm reading through that Shuffling Madness one.
... Fuck, I lied, I literally JUST finished reading it. Didn't know I was on the last post.
GOD DAMN IT ALL, now what do I read... I don't really want to go into Mephi yet, because it's just... It's so long, and I just don't want to have to force myself to read something so long quite yet. I got all caught up on Rapture, which was depressing and awesome at the same time because it's just that great of a story.
That reminds me. Haven't talked to Jordan at all since he left for Finland. He was only supposed to be gone a week, and he said he was going to try and keep contact through my blog here.
But there's been nothing. o_O
Don't know how I feel about that, whether I should be worried or not, or if I should even bother giving a fuck because I'm so out of give-a-fuck's I could puke.
Almost yelled at my mother last night. She kept getting pissy and insistent about James' family hating her, and she kept trying to get me to tell her why.
I don't want to tell her.
I've told her before, but she's...
Well, my mother has this bad habit or something where she thinks she's like God.
>_> I Wish I Was Kidding.
At the same time, she doesn't realize she thinks this way.
It's like being a narcissist without knowing you're a narcissist.
... It's not even "like" that, it IS that.
So she doesn't understand that Gizmo and Liz know everything she's done to me that I've been able to tell them (there are still pieces missing from my memory, but I've told them what my brothers and dad have told me), and they were there when she told me to get Danny aborted.
Yeah, my mother tried to convince me to abort my son.
And holy fuckshit everybody was SO FUCKING MAD AT HER IT WAS SCARY.
Then there was when he was born, she took him from James' arms.
To be fair with that last one, I was so doped out I don't remember fuck all from that day, so there are conflicting reports here. She says the nurses were trying to hand Danny to him, and he decided his time was better spent packing us up than holding his son. He and his family say he was holding James after he was born, and Mom demanded he hand Danny over.
All I remember was seeing James hold Danny first, then Mom. I think, anyway. I really, honestly don't know whatsoever.
Then there was the whole thing where she tried to tell me not to let James around Danny after he left, because he wasn't paying child support.
In my personal opinion, child support is a crock of shit.
Don't get me wrong, it's helpful.
But paying child support does not make a man a dad.
It makes him a fucking sperm donor.
And James wanted to be the dad he never got to have.
He didn't meet his dad until he was like, 14, 15? He didn't want that happening to Danny.
I didn't either. I still don't.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, birthday. Wait, no, we were talking about my mother.
So I can't tell her why his family hates her, without stepping all over her fallacy of being the best mother.
My aunt says there's a "victim mentality" you grow into after such mental and emotional abuse, where you do everything you can to keep the abuser happy and you feel responsible if something happens, even though it has nothing to do with you. Like, I'm terrified of having my mother and James' family in the same room, because I'm deathly afraid of what she'll say or do or how she'll behave...
Y'know, for being as strong as I am, I'm quite the coward.
Aaaaand I just went and depressed myself.
PLUS SIDE, I BOUGHT COLOR CRAYONS AND DREW JORDAN A PICTURE! :D
I'll get it up for you later, Jordan. You're going to <3 it. ^w^
Laundry beeped, time to switch.
EDIT: 11:51 AM
HERE IS YOUR PICTURE, JORDAN! :D
That's what you get for getting the image in my head of Slenderman baking a cake.
lol He even has an apron on, all cute and pink and yellow. <3
If Slendy had favorite colors, I honestly think they'd be pink and yellow. Show off his more feminine side.
xD
Also; was debating making his skin white, but... Well, I mean, he has skin, so I figured I'd just make it like, pale and sturf. I'm working on a chibi Rapture Jordan, but it'll take some time cuz I'm trying to make it all big and stuff. I got a nice big sketchbook. :3 Pretty cheap, too! Yay!
AND DID YOU KNOW IT TAKES AT LEAST AN HOUR TO COLOR COORDINATE A BOX OF CRAYOLA COLOR CRAYONS?
Why an hour?
Because I bought the 120 crayon box. :D AND THEY HAVE TO BE IN CHROMATIC ORDER otherwise I get all twitchy and stuff. Color coordination is serious business! :O
EDIT: 12:54 PM
I finished Chibi Jordan! ^w^
Danny's taking a power nap, I have time to kill. And chibis aren't hard to draw, unless you fuck up the crayon at some point.
TADA!!! <3
I suppose it's hella cuter in real life than it is on a computer screen, but it's still cute as sin. x3
Soz if ain't perfect, fuck j00 if you don't think is squee-worthy.
No comments:
Post a Comment