Blaaaaaargh...

o_________o

Damn it, iPod...

Why'd you decide now to let Rapture work...?

I COULDN'T SLEEP TIL LIKE, 1 AM!

Ah well. I have coffee.

^w^ With eggnog.

Now I just have to figure out what to do today...

And why am I writing this down?

I have no life. ._.;

Oh, I know what I can do!

I can explain my brand of crazy. :D

Okay. So.

My anxiety is weird.

Sometimes it's really strong, for no apparent reason. Like, I can be doing the dishes, and all of a sudden I'll feel like I'm a failure and I'll never amount to anything and I can't raise my son correctly and he's going to grow up hating me and...

Yeah.

The worst part is the Sound.

I hear Sound.

Um, let's see if I can explain this without sounding too insane...

So, there's a constant noise in my head. In my ears. I can hear talking.

Not like schizo talking, but I can hear it.

It sounds like me.

Except I'm saying everything I've ever thought that was bad. Like what I'd listed up there.

For the most part, it's not too loud. Just little whispers, telling me I'm not good enough, or I couldn't handle our old city, or I'm an idiot for falling for Danny's father's lies, or my life is ruined because I couldn't follow my own rules...

But when my anxiety starts getting bad, it turns into screaming. I scream in my head, at myself.

WHY COULDN'T YOU MAKE IT RIGHT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU COULDN'T EVEN TAKE CARE OF YOUR SON! YOU COULDN'T SAVE YOURSELF, YOU HAD TO RUN! YOU RAN FROM YOUR PROBLEMS! YOU FAILED! YOU LOST YOUR HOME, YOU LOST YOUR CAR, YOU LOST YOUR JOB, YOU LOST YOUR LIFE! ALL BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT? WHAT A PUSSY! WHAT A FAILURE!

That's what I have to listen to every day. It happens at least once a day. It's overwhelming.

Yaaaaay.

I've gotten better at not showing it, at least in front of Danny. I can't let him see his mama all crazy and shit, that's just not fair to him. So when the Sound gets loud, I set him down with his toys and go in the other room until I can get it quiet again.

Do you have any idea how hard shit is, when all you hear is Sound?

I can't even describe it as anything other than Sound.

Then there are the day terrors.

I started kind of explaining them in the post about the Grotesque, but I should probably go into more detail, since I'm on the subject of my insanity.

Um... Day Terrors...

Well, it starts like this.

I'll be doing whatever, reading or watching tv or playing with Danny, and then I'm not.

I'll have a nightmare, while I'm awake.

They can be about anything; somebody breaking in and killing us, or getting mugged at Walmart, or someone taking Danny, or his father showing up with a gun...

All the crazy things most people don't really put much stock into.

And they're so realistic.

When I come out of a Terror, Danny will be looking at me like he's been trying to get my attention. Or my uncle will be standing there going, "Tasha... Tasha... Earth to Tasha... Hellooooo..." I don't hear anything during a Terror. There isn't even Sound. It's absolutely silent. I don't know why. But they're so... scary. They really are.

...

Yeah, my mind likes to mindfuck me a lot.

Oddly enough, I'm pretty sane. I mean, I function just fine, other than the panic attacks. Even my depression's not that bad. I can usually make the darker Sounds seem stupid with Logic.

Logic is good.

I have the ability to reason with the Sound, convince It that It's wrong. Sometimes. For the most part, anyway. That's how I get It to quiet down when It gets too loud. I can convince It that I'm not a complete failure, that I don't deserve to be dead, and everything I've done was to save Danny. And save Danny I did. So It can go fuck Itself.

It only argues back once in a while.

Y'know, I guess I sound pretty freaking nuts to you guys.

But fuck, what do I care? You're all behind your own computer screens, with your own issues. At least I can fight my crazies. What're you doing to preserve your mental health?? :O

So, it's a quarter to 10, and Danny loves Sesame Street. That's what comes on PBS at 10. :3 Then he'll take his nap, I'll start the laundry (maybe), and go back to reading Rapture. I'm on this post. Haven't started it yet.

(DJay: lololol White Buffoon... xD)

What Fear did I say I'd do? ... Oh, that's right, The Plague Doctor. Okay, I'll do that tonight. Look for it around 9!

Toodles. ^_~v